The Truth About Weight Loss

Things they tell you about dieting:

It will be hard
It's not. Boring, dull, tedious; whatever you want to call it. It's definitely that, but nothing worthwhile in life is easy. All you need to learn to do is say no. Simple.

You have to eat lettuce
You don't have to. Honestly. As for cabbage soup, bleurgh. Who even does that?

You will only be successful if you sign up to Weightwatchers/Slimming World/Cambridge Diet/etc
Bollocks. I did it all myself and I'm far from the only one out there. Each to their own: if you find the group atmosphere supportive and helpful then great. If you baulk at paying someone money to tell you what the figure on the scales says, that's fine too. Find what works for you.

You have to become a fitness fanatic
Bit more exercise: yup. Doing triathalons: nope.

You are likely to become a diet bore
Well, you don't have to. I'm sure some people do but I'd like to think I avoided the worst of it. Just remember to keep your calorie consumption to yourself - you're probably the only one who really cares about the intracacies of it all.



Things they don't tell you:

To start saving up
Buying an entire new wardrobe is expensive. Plus it sucks when all your old favourite clothes have to go because they swim on you.

Your feet shrink
That is a complete nightmare. Insoles are my new best friends.

You don't end up with the perfect body
You'll more than likely be a similar shape, just smaller. Unless you're the sort who stores all your chub in one place.

People start saying really bitchy things disguised as compliments
"It's taken 20 years off you!" was my particular favourite. Did I look 46 before? Really??

And the kicker:

Losing weight won't magically fix you
It will help. Don't get me wrong; I don't want this to be a doom and gloom piece. But from my bitter personal experience, it will only do so much. There is a certain never-ending fascination about twirling in the mirror and thinking "Where did I all go?". There's a definite high about having the confidence to try out something you'd never dreamed of wearing before. The feeling when you meet someone you haven't seen for a long time and they literally don't recognise you; that, my friends, is a sweet feeling.

But it doesn't make you a new person. It won't soothe all your inner demons, magically restore all your confidence or endow you with brand new personality traits.

You know what? The important people in my life never loved me any the less because of what I looked like, but people in general were vile and often unbelievably hurtful. I've been the pig on "pull a pig" night, I've been abused in the street, I've run the full gamut of disapproving looks and comments from complete strangers. It fucking hurts, and it's not the sort of thing that can be easily forgotten. When your brain has fucked you into a horrible pattern of shying away from doing things/interacting with people because you are fat and fearful of being laughed at, and then becoming shyer and shyer just because you have got out of the habit of talking to strangers, that's hard to change. Looking different on the outside doesn't change the inside. You're still scared of starting conversations. You still don't trust it when people look you up and down. You still panic when people behind you start laughing in case they're laughing at you.

Losing the weight was easy. Rewiring my brain. That's hard.

Sometimes a girl just needs a good rant...

I wouldn't describe myself as an angry person but I'm no Pollyanna either. I get irked by stupid things. A lot. I'm sure I'm not alone on many of them but here are just a few of the "popular things in life that I do not like:


Pink. I believe my distaste for this awful colour is well known.


ITV. And anything on ITV (with the exception of Downton Abbey, and even that I buy on DVD). Call me a tv snob if you wish but I just don't watch it.


People who say 110% , or any type of percentage over 100. They need punching in the face.


Cupcakes. For fucks sake people. They're just ridiculously sugary fairy cakes. You're not American, so just call them fairy cakes (if you are American then ignore me). Or better still, just have a big slice of proper cake. Those silly Ladurée macaroons fall into this category too. Are they popular just because they're in girly pastel colours?


Animal print.


Dogs (with the honourable exception of Molly and Rigby). But especially rats on strings. Or rats in bags. If it has legs then let it walk.


Ugg boots.


Twilight and the popularity of vampires in fiction in general. Buffy and Angel were good; it should have stopped there.


Fashion magazines. This is where I totally fail as a fashion blogger. I don't get them. Everything is so massively out of my price range that it just bores me. I'd rather look at blogs if I'm in need of fashion related inspiration, not spend a load of money for a glossy mag full of people who are a ridiculous amount taller and slimmer than me.


Harem pants, or anything else baggy and saggy in the crotch area. And peeptoe boots.


Soap operas. They're either just plain depressing or boring as hell.


New Year. Uck.


Books belonging to the genre known as "tragic lives". Have you ever wandered round in WH Smith gawping at the array of horrendous titles? The choice is endless - they're all along the lines of "Why, Daddy, Why?" or "Stop, Mummy, Stop" Or the truly bizarre one I saw once that was subtitled something along the lines of "From Nun to Crack Whore." Who the hell wants to read things like this? (Answer - the good folk of South Liverpool, judging by how many copies there were on the shelves) There's clearly a market for it but it totally baffles me why anyone would choose to spend their leisure time reading about child abuse and rape.

Ooh I feel better for having got all that off my chest. Anyone else want to share what makes them cross? You're in a safe place here. And don't forget, even if you love all those things, we can still be friends. Just don't let your dog lick my face, m'kay?

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

Ever played the dinner party game? Big Fashionista blogged about it recently and it got my brain whirring. Incidentally, if you don't read her blog already then you really should. Funny as hell.

Anyway, I really struggle with the real people version of this game. They'd probably all end up being men I lust after (quite difficult to narrow the list to 5) or v. posh historical figures who would make me feel like a pleb. I shall ponder on it and perhaps do a follow up post.

You know what's easy though? Fictional characters! (books, not tv or film. That's a whole other discussion) Actually, maybe it's not quite so easy. There are so many characters that I absolutely love to read about but they wouldn't necessarily be good company at a dinner party. Mr Darcy might be the ultimate romantic hero but I'm no Elizabeth Bennet so I'd just be sneered at or ignored throughout the whole meal. Mary Poppins would no doubt pull me up on my table manners. Dominic Alastair would get drunk and challenge someone to a duel. Awkward!

So my first choice is Bertie Wooster. Oh I know he's dim and that Jeeves is the person to go to if you want a proper conversation but Berties is funny and that's the main thing. We can talk about visiting country houses and 1920s & 30s fashion and suchlike. My friend Lisa is utterly convinced that my lovely Oscar cat is Bertie Wooster reincarnated in feline form so I'm fairly confident we'd get on well. If I was the sort of person who could spout quotations then Lord Peter Wimsey would be challenging Bertie for this place but I'd rather have someone sitting next to me that I can get tipsy and laugh with.



Chrestomanci, aka Christopher Chant, (who features in several Diana Wynne Jones books) is definitely coming too. I think I came across him first in Witch Week - he doesn't play a huge part in that book but he definitely made an impression on me. Tall, dark, handsome, vague, fond of cricket, the owner of a v. impressive castle and a splendid collection of dressing gowns, there is also the added bonus of him of liking small plain women who enjoy reading school stories. Wahey! In this fictional universe I would clearly have magical powers so he could teach me some new spells and generally be charming company.

Picture by chira-chira at Deviant Art. I love her stuff, especially this one featuring the wonderful cat Throgmorten.

Marcus Didius Falco and Helena Justina from the Falco series by Lindsey Davis are next on my list. You have to take them as a pair really but that's absolutely fine with me. They're both equally full of tales of life all over the Roman Empire and the crimes they've solved, plus I'm positive they'd both be excellent, if slightly sarcastic, company. The descriptions of all the food in the books always get my mouth watering so it'd be fun to see how Marcus and Helena enjoy a modern meal. And on a very shallow level, I've always wanted to be able to pull off a Roman hair style so Helena could give me some tips on that.

It is proving impossible to find an image that represents these two, so you can have Kevin McKidd looking all Roman instead.

And finally, Paddington Bear. I have an excellent recipe for gloriously sticky marmalade roll that I think he'd very much appreciate.


Add in enough wine and I'm sure this party will go beautifully. Bets on how long it takes Bertie to get drunk and try on Paddington's hat?

ps - Hope I didn't mislead anyone on my last post! The person who made the comment about the wedding photos wasn't the bride (she's amazing and loves me just the way I am), it was a relation of hers. Rude!

Wednesday Wafflings

Thank you for all your wonderful comments on my last post. Unfortunately it's not good news - Beth's condition has deteriorated and they weren't able to operate, so she's been transferred closer to home for palliative care. It's unbearably sad.

Please don't think I'm being a hard-hearted bitch for trying to carry on pretty much as normal. I know it might seem excessively hypocritical of me to start off with a paragraph like that and then talk about utterly frivolous stuff but I function best when I keep myself busy and don't let myself dwell on things and something this awful, I just can't think about for too long. Falling apart won't do anyone any good. I need the distraction and yes, the frivolity, of blogging.

I've been tagged with a couple of awards recently: the Stylish Blogger award from Gem at Treasures From The Cherry Tree and the Versatile Blogger award from Hazel at World Of Joy. Thanks ever so much ladies! Both of them seem to be of the "5 things about yourself" type and I'm sure you're all bored of me revealing facts about myself by now, so I thought I'd bend the rules and show you 5 recent charity shop purchases instead. I've barely shopped in May, so these were little treats to myself at the weekend.

1) Jolly nice H&M top, BNWT. H&M sizing being what it is, it's a little snug, although not in a bad way. It doesn't show off rolls of flab or anything. I think I'm just not very used to form-fitting clothes yet.

2) Primark dress. It's rather more boobalicious than I foresaw as the bodice part is essentially just two triangles but I'm sure I can do something with it. Even if it's not wearable in current form, £1.99 is not bad for the fabric at least.

3) Knitting bag. Oh the cuteness of the chunky wooden handles. I love my local YMCA shop. This and the fabric below weren't priced up so I asked the woman on the till and she went "oh, just £1.49 for both." Result!

4) Vintage fabric. Mental but rather tremendous, yes? I'm not sure there's enough to make a dress with but hopefully enough for a totally in-your-face skirt.

5) And this glorious book. I adore the Anne books and even though I've already got a paperback edition of this one, who could resist a 1913 hardback edition with beautiful colour plates inside? Not me. Especially not when it was on the half price shelf.

In very important shopping related news, I have got my Olympics tickets! On Monday 30th July 2012 I'll be in Greenwich Park watching the cross-country stage of the three-day eventing. I am more excited than I can possibly describe.

Oh Mojo, Where Art Thou?

I feel a bit sort of lost at the moment. I seem to be retreating within myself. I'm not feeling very well, texts aren't getting answered, plans aren't being sorted out. It's easier to sink into a book than it is to do anything practical.

Inspiration is sorely lacking too. I seem to go in waves with blogging - at times it flows really nicely and I'm full of posts to write. Other times it's a bit of a stretch to think of things to talk about. I'm in the latter stage at the moment. I dunno, I'm just not feeling very interesting. I think it's coming across too - comments are a bit down recently so I must be doing something wrong. I hope it's just a blip because I don't want to think that I'm boring people but I don't know how else you judge the success/interest of a blog other than by comments.

I'd just like something nice to happen. Until such time as it does, I shall aim to cheer myself up by wearing impractical shoes and lots of green things.

Pussybow blouse - present from Vix

Jeans - Dorothy Perkins (incidentally, I'm sure their short length jeans are a couple of inches longer than they used to be)

Heels - Irregular Choice via ebay, birthday present.

Ring - Dorothy Perkins sale

Oh Crumbs

I need some help/advice/encouragement please!

I've won a competition. Yay! I should be full of excitement and glee. Instead I'm bricking it. The prize happens to be a photoshoot with For Your Eyes Only in Manchester. Free makeup, free photoshoot, free photographic print of my best shot. Exciting, yes? Well it might be if I actually liked having my photo taken. I know it sounds odd for someone who posts outfit photos regularly to say that, but I am not photogenic and I have always been very bashful in front of the camera - I only manage it now by using the self timer and staring fixedly at the floor. Put me in front of someone's camera and I do not know what to do with myself.

Oh and did I mention it's a boudoir style photoshoot? All in very good taste - the pics on their website are gorgeous! - but it means being in my underwear or something sort of revealing and that's really not my comfort zone. I won't go into all my body hangups here because it's a long, boring and somewhat self-pitying list, but suffice to say that losing a lot of weight does not somehow magically give you a good body. I am happy with my overall shape now when I've got clothes on but underneath all those layers it's not a pretty sight.

And I'm not the matching underwear sort of girl anyway. I'll have to go and buy something nice that covers all the lumps and bumps and stretch marks and general mingingness. The stress of it all.

So my gut feeling is to go ARGH and not do it because it's scary, but I'm wondering if this is one of those times when my gut is being a pathetic wimp and I should (wo)man up and just get it booked. I've always wanted to be the sort of person who can prance around in their scanties and look and feel sexy. Perhaps they can airbrush me sufficiently so that this is achieved. There's a part of me that does think that after putting so much hard work into the diet, it'd be nice to have some sort of proper proof that I'm not a bloater anymore.

Might have to have a stiff drink on the way there though...

A Letter

Dear H&M

Much as I love you (and I really do, you are my High St shop of choice at the moment), you are very frustrating at the moment.

I need tops. I only have three that aren't t-shirts or vest tops and that's just not enough, especially in this warm weather.

You sell tops. This works for me. Well no, it doesn't, because you don't sell very many nice tops, do you? I waded through rails and rails of clothes in store on Saturday in a vain hunt and had to discard a good 90% of them because they were bizarrely cut or sized or just plain horrible.

Now I don't expect everything in a shop to be magically flattering and to my taste (although I sometimes dream of this happening), but once I've ruled out the following, there really wasn't much choice left.

- Anything cropped. I am not tall enough or skinny enough or young enough to get away with cropped tops.
- Anything boxy. Don't need any help looking square!
- Anything see-through. No, no, no.
- Anything bizarrely oversized. Is it the in thing this summer to wear stuff that swamps you? Must have missed that memo.
- Anything that is all of the above - cropped, boxy, oversized sheer shirt, I'm looking at you. I tried on a size 8 for comedy value and it was still too big!

Your weird sizing doesn't half make life confusing. Remember when I bought this outfit for my holiday and the shorts were a size 16 and the top was a size Small? It's a good job my spirits aren't crushed by looking at size labels anymore or I would have collapsed in a weeping heap on the changing room floor. I know I'm pear shaped but I'm not that pear shaped. Instead I was most stoic and told my bum that it wasn't really a size 16 any more and not to pay attention to the silly label.

A little consistency would be really nice so please sort things out. I will give you more of my money. I may even start buying things from your website because god knows I wouldn't trust anything to fit at the moment.

Fair deal, yes?

love

Alex

Despite all this beefing on my part, I did buy a top and I utterly love it. It was on a rail by the till and I was so bored of trying on unflattering things that I just grabbed it. It looked about the right size and I couldn't face going back to the changing rooms again. I can only assume it's one of those bizarrely oversized things I mentioned earlier because I bought a size 10 and it's not exactly snug on me. I should probably point out that I am not a size 10. I don't think the basic size of my ribcage will ever allow me to be anything smaller than a 12. So it shouldn't fit me, but it sort of does.

I wore it on Sunday and it felt nice and casual for the daytime:

Doing jazz hands at a marauding Oscar cat.

Shirt - H&M
Jeans - Dorothy Perkins
Belt - Primark
Espadrilles - Office

Then I swapped the shoes, added some jewellery, tied my hair up and it was just about right for a meal out in the evening. I do thoroughly approve of any piece of clothing that earns its keep. I don't have the physical space in my wardrobe for things I only wear once in a blue moon.

Shirt - H&M
Jeans - Dorothy Perkins
Belt - Primark
Heels - Next
Necklace - George sale


I think it's worth persevering with them. I really do like this shirt.

It's That Time Of Year...

Is anyone else already thoroughly bored by adverts for fitness videos, diet clubs and those stupid flipping yoghurt drinks? I may scream the next time I see Martine McCutcheon. I also want to burn every single magazine featuring a revoltingly skinny soapstar with the headline "OMG I was a size 12 heifer! Don't I look amazing now?" Err no. You were perfectly normal sized before and if I can count your ribs now, you need to put some weight on.

Here's my attempt at some weightloss tips from the perspective of someone who was properly fat and has now got down to a reasonable weight. I'm not skinny but I have no wish to be. I discussed it before here but for further details, read on.

As a mini disclaimer, I don't want to perpetuate the horrible idea that you need to be skinny to be happy/attractive/successful. I wish more people were comfortable with themselves as they are. But if you want to lose some weight, best of luck to you. I'm not setting myself up as any type of expert here. None of it is rocket science. I wish the diet industry didn't bullshit so much - all you need to do is eat a bit less and exercise a bit more. This is just what worked for me.

- I'll start off by saying that it's not hard. Really it's not. Trust me. It's boring but it's worth it.

- Get some willpower. You really won't get anywhere without it. If you're not properly committed to doing it then things will go wrong and the diet won't work.

- Speaking of which, I don't actually like the word diet. I calorie counted because I needed to lose weight and it seemed like the most sensible way to go about it whilst still eating properly, but really it was about learning to eat healthily and looking after myself better. It's just sometimes easier to say "diet" than it is "healthy eating and exercise plan".

- Do whatever works for you, as long as it's not one of those meal replacement diets. I'm sure they get results in the short term but it's not a healthy way to start things off and what happens when you start eating normal food again? So if it's Weight Watchers or Slimming World, portion control, exercise or good old fashioned calorie counting, pick your method and stick to it.

- Think about what you eat. I'd been kidding myself for years that I didn't really eat that much but that was absolute crap, I was clearly overeating. Just be honest with yourself. Do you snack too much? Eat giant portions? Can't resist any passing cake/chocolate/beer? If you want to lose weight then something will have to change.

- Be sensible. If you're anything like me then you need to retrain your brain and your body about eating healthily. Sticking to your calorie/points limit by just eating cakes isn't a wise move and neither is eating porridge all day so you can get mortal on wine later on (not that I ever did this, oh no). Restricting yourself too much is not likely to turn out well.

- Allow yourself some treats. I need puddings in my life so mini meringues were an absolute godsend.

- I found it really helpful to take over the cooking myself. I went for the calorie counting option and I was far from obsessive over it but it's much easier to know what you've had if you've cooked it yourself. It was for the same reason that I pretty much gave up takeaways. Eating out is do-able, just pick the sensible options where possible.

- Swap things. I think my biggest help was switching from full sized bread to the mini loaves. 120 cals per slice in the former, 50 cals per slice in the latter - it's quite a difference! You could of course just eat half the amount of the full sized bread but my brain doesn't quite work that way. Similarly with crisps. I didn't stop eating them, I just started to buy Walkers Baked (lower cal option) instead.

- Booze. I didn't cut it out completely but I took the approach that it was pointless calories a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, life without wine and cider would be dull indeed, but I didn't really need to be drinking at home during the week, so I stopped. As with anything else, I'd have it if I wanted it and I could fit it into my daily calorie allowance.

- Ride out the first few weeks. You may well be so hungry at the end of the day that you want to eat your pillows but just have a snack and go to bed. If you eat a lot and then cut things down, you will probably be hungry for a little while till you adjust to it. It gets easier very quickly.

- Work out what your weak points are. I am a sweetie addict and if I have a bag in the house I will eat them all. Even now I can't resist them. I'm just not the sort of person who can put an open packet back in the cupboard. So the answer is simple, I don't buy them. Or I buy myself a Sherbet Dip-Dab or a mini pack of Haribo every now and then as a little treat.

- Do some exercise. I am extremely lazy and don't enjoy exercise so I often have to force myself into it but it is important. I started off with walking at lunchtime, just a half an hour stroll around the grounds at work. When I'd lost enough weight not to feel mortified in a swimming costume I started swimming again. I try and go at least twice a week. Another handy thing was the Step function on the Wii Fit. Set it to 30 minutes and it runs in the background so you can watch tv whilst you're relentlessly going "1,2,3,4" up and down on the board. More productive than loafing on the sofa!

Let me know if you want some moral support. I'm perfectly happy to shout "STEP AWAY FROM THE BISCUITS" at you if needed.

Looking Back...Looking Forward

So then, 2010 is over and done. On the whole I would class it as a good year. I'm finally home now so can get round to thinking about it enough to write a blog post.

I stuck to all my resolutions. They weren't major things (stick to the diet, go swimming, learn to cook a new main course every month etc) but I think it was the first year I've ever made any so I'm quite pleased with myself. I haven't thought about any for 2011 yet and given that it's already 4th Jan, I probably won't end up making any for this year. Perhaps just the vague idea of losing a bit more weight. Not too much but just a wee bit more would be nice.

Speaking of which, in 2010 I lost a smidgen under 4 stone to add to the very similar amount that I lost the year before. Yay me!

My confidence levels have risen dramatically this year. I wish I could say that it wasn't linked so strongly to the weightloss but I'm afraid it is and that's just the way of it. Getting braver is a good thing though, whatever the cause of it. I've done lots of things this year that I would never have been brave enough to do in previous years. I won't list them because they're all very minor things but hey, I have to start somewhere!

My tastebuds have definitely expanded. I now eat curry, capers, sprouts, broccoli and am getting less wussy with spicy foods. I've developed a bit of a taste for red wine and a very definite taste for coffee. Mmmmm, lovely coffee. Why have I ignored you for so long?

I was a bridesmaid for the first time. It was so much fun! I think it helped muchly that the bride was as chilled out as it was possible to be and so there was no hassle other than dress fittings (where I shamed myself by nearly passing out).

I read 345 books. Not many in March (only 18) - clearly I was quite busy that month, or reading weighty tomes rather than books I could romp through. Perhaps next year is the time to get more adventurous as I didn't discover as many new authors I liked as I usually do. Any suggestions?

I revised my opinion of shopping. I still don't enjoy it particularly but it's immensely liberating to just go into shops and know things will fit you and that makes it less of a hellish experience than it used to be. Also I've found myself rather approving of H&M and River Island. Yes, there's still much cheap tat on offer but if you ignore that then there are lovely things to be found. New green bag, I'm looking at you as I type this.

I started the blog. Thank you all so much for reading it! Perhaps I'm just sheltered from all the bitchiness that can be found out there in internet land but I've met some truly amazing people through blogging. The warmth and generosity and friendship that I've found has really touched me. You're all lovely. I've even met a few of you in real life (see, told you I was getting braver!).

As for 2011, it's starting off with what feels like a rather rotten sore throat. Oh well, best to get the annual cold out of the way early I suppose! I don't have many big things planned so far - a couple more theatre trips to London, a 4 day residential course for work at the end of Jan (eek, scary!), the annual Easter jaunt. I'm sure the diary will fill up quickly enough and I'll soon be griping about my lack of free weekends but for now I'm enjoying the peace and the chance to loaf about reading. I'm heading into work for my rearranged PDR today but then I've got the rest of the week off. Don't expect any outfit posts; it's unlikely I'll get dressed till next Monday.