A Gaudy New Coat Thing

I'm not going to entitle this blog post "Two ways to wear a skater dress" because I'm sure you're all more than capable of dressing yourselves by now and can do it perfectly well without my help. Should you require it, well, I tend to wear my dresses by, y'know, putting them on my body. Not exactly a novel technique but it serves me well.

Having said that, a plain black skater dress is undeniably a most useful thing to own.  Et voila, worn here with my lovely green hedgehoggy jumper and favourite Mel flats for a day at work.



Then glammed up a tad. If by glamming up, we mean wearing something that could conceivably be classed as either a boxing robe or dressing gown. I shall christen it the Kimono Coat. Kimoat? Comono? Nahhh.



It's reversible! Bit more boxing robe-ish when worn with the black outside...



I'll stick to it the other way round I think. Pretty! Not dressing gowny at all, honest.

 So many different Flick Flack colourways but these are still my fave.


Painty hair - occupational hazard at the moment
Dress - H&M
Kimono thingy - Oxfam
Hedgehog jumper - ASOS
Flats - Mel
Shoes - Irregular Choice Flick Flack

Further Tales From The Mending Pile

This dress officially marks me out as the Queen of Procrastination. Bow before my excessively lazy ways!



I bought this during an ASOS sale years ago. Can't remember quite how long ago it was but it was definitely at least two years and more probably three. I was so lazy that I forgot to try it on before the return period ended and when it turned out to have a dodgy zip, it was too late to send it back. Can you still return defective things after the normal returns period? Probably, but investigating that would have required effort.

Said frock went straight in the mending pile and lingered there until I bought a red zip about six months later. Which I promptly lost. I rediscovered the dress about three months ago but it took me until last week to track down the zip.



As per usual, I am now kicking myself for not fixing it sooner. Such a cute frock! I am a big fan of the pinafore and I really like the elastic straps on this one as it means they don't fall down all the flipping time. Plus it has an amusingly billowy skirt when the wind picks up.





Dress & shirt - both ASOS
Heels - Dorothy Perkins

Stained Glass and Size 10

Sarah persuaded me to get this dress. Not that it took much persuasion! It looked so pretty on her that as soon as I saw it hit the sale in December, I snapped it up. If you're tempted to do the same, bear in mind her wise words: size down. At least two sizes. Unless you're a fan of smocky frocks. (I'm not).



I'm normally a size 14 and this one is a size 10 and it's still loose.  I could probably have got away with a size 8 (Ha! That'd be the only time I'd ever have one of those in my wardrobe!) but I initially bought this to wear on Christmas Day and given the amount of roast potatoes and stuffing ducks I managed to shovel into my face, the extra stretch was needed! It pleases me greatly to be wearing a size 10, even if it isn't a real size 10.



It has a touch of the Magic Eye picture about it. People seem to like it on first glance, then five minutes later they'll have a closer look and go "is that stained glass windows on your dress?".  And I say "yes, yes it is," and skip off happily.




Stained glass dress - ASOS (currently available here in the ASOS sale for a very respectable £21)
Cardi - TU
Shoes - Irregular Choice Bowtiful

Disappointment and Dungaree Dreams

Hello world. Yes that's me, wearing dungarees.

Remember when I moaned at length about how much I wanted to relive my youth by wearing some dungarees and how it turned out that they would never suit me? Well, it turns out that denim Primark ones definitely don't. As for green ASOS ones, decide for yourself:

I'd given up looking until Char sent me a link to a few ASOS pairs that she was considering. My green radar went "BRONG!" at the sight of this pair and I bought them on a total whim, despite being fairly certain that I was setting myself up for yet more dungaree disappointment.

If I'm being super harsh on myself, they probably still don't suit me - I definitely own more flattering items of clothing - but fuck it and fuck anyone that wants to judge me for my awful stomach and chunky thighs. I'm working on them but they won't ever disappear. I'm a great believer in buying and wearing what the hell you like and I like these dungarees. Who gives a toss if they'd look better on a taller, thinner person?

I've been frolicking around with my hands in my pockets all day and admiring myself in any mirror I pass. Isn't this shirt GREAT? Not that I like golf in any way, shape or form but I do enjoy vintage shirts an awful lot. The pattern reminds me of Frankie in Why Didn't They Ask Evans? - all jaunty 30s lady golfer.

Told you about the mirror thing.






Dungarees - ASOS
Shirt - vintage, via charity shop
Heels & ring - Dorothy Perkins sale

Hideous Frocks: The ASOS Edition

Here I am again, taking one for the team and bringing you the very worst of the frocks section of the ASOS sale. I can't resist an anti-wishlist post.

This is by far the worst. I can't get my head round it. I wouldn't ever recommend going on a night out in your bra and pants and this "dress" is essentially the same thing.

*snorks to self* I..I just...I have no words...

This is undoubtedly very pretty fabric and you're probably all "Whuuuut? Why has she picked it?" Well, it's because this frock is so smocky that they haven't dared to take a photo of the model wearing it normally. Because it looks like a complete sack no matter what they do.

Cheapy cheapy cheap cheap. Also v.low cut at the front and back. Not a good idea.

PINK FRINGED BOOBS! You know you want them.

You too could pay £88 (and that's the sale price!) to look this tacky.

Those of you who harbour Carrie Bradshaw/swan fantasies will probably love this. I think it looks ridiculous. And what's with the shoes??

Want to see two of the vilest maxi dresses I've ever seen? Course you do!

Why? Just why? Also, why those minging shoes with it?

She looks about as happy to be wearing this as I am to be looking at it. Literally nothing about it is nice.


I can't subject my eyes to any more torture today, so I'll have to leave you with that selection of dresses. But before I go, check out this pair of monstrous shoes that Char found.

Eek!

It's A Shoe Zoo Out There

It's on days like this that I realise what a giant moron I am at times. I had utterly forgotten that I even bought these amazing shoes.  Who does that? How is it even possible??* They are actual #wardrobezoo SHOES!

* Answer = Me. Because I am messy and disorganised and can't get anywhere near the shoe wardrobe.

Giraffes and elephants and ostriches. Oh my!  They are so brilliant and super fun - I was clacking around in them all day and thoroughly enjoying myself. If I had any dancing ability whatsoever then I'm sure I would have launched into an impromptu tap routine to fully express my sense of new-shoe-joy.  Ok, so I'm not entirely sure they'll be comfy enough to wear without tights underneath due to the slightly low vamp but I am in mild despair about it ever being warm enough to go bare legged again, so that's fine and dandy.

Only mild despair. After all, I've still got loads of lovely winter coats to wear. When they're this cute, it seems a crying shame to have to stash them at the back of a cupboard for six months. I want to wear them and spin around going "wheeeeeee!" at the loveliness of the Puritan collar.

Like I said, I'm a bit of a moron at times. Perhaps the confectionery nature of my shirt is giving me a sugar rush or something.

Coat - Vero Moda
Dress - New Life
Blouse - ASOS sale
Shoes - Irregular Choice via ebay
Earrings - local shop

Hideous Frocks

Lots of shops sell frocks. Lots of shops sell really nice frocks.  But almost all of them will have one or two absolute horrors lurking around as well and it's time we all pointed and laughed at them.  I did this with ugly shoes back in the day and it seems time to reprise the feature for another wardrobe item. Why should shoes have all the fun?

Now I'm not slagging off the shops or anything.  On my infrequent recent shopping trips I've seen an awful lot of nice dresses around. It's just too cold to start buying spring/summer stuff at the mo but when it warms up you can be sure I'll purchase a frock or three.  H&M have got one or two beauties, once all the stuff made from nasty fabric has been ruled out. You can almost guarantee I'll always find something I like in the Closet and Billie & Blossom ranges at Dorothy Perkins. I like the simplicity of Vero Moda. I'm even finding myself lusting after a lot of the Primark spring range.

It would be easy to do a wishlist full of pretty things, wouldn't it? I'm gonna make you look at hideous things instead.  Muahahahahaha. It's much more fun to mock them than it is to coo over nice stuff.

It all started when I was browsing the Boohoo website (I bought an awesome jumper which I will feature soon) and came across this:

 I christen it the Slutty Flintstone

And this is kinda normal I suppose but a) PEPLUM and b) BEIGE PEPLUM. Madly unflattering, even on a teeny tiny model, plus ewwww peplum.

Missguided are very fond of a cutout, aren't they?

As if this wasn't nasty enough, it's also got a socking great exposed zip down the back.

More sensible to just go out in your bra, surely? You can't possibly call that a bodice.

ASOS sells so many things that you're never too far away from something great, or something utterly vile:

For just £338 pounds you too could dazzle in a fricking AWFUL drop waist swanhead lady dress.

This reminds me strongly of that dress Julia Roberts wore in Pretty Woman. No, not the posh polka dot one. The hooker one.

I want to like this frock, at least from afar. But when you get closer it is essentially an apron and a collar attached to some see through mesh and frankly I'm not that fashion forward.

Even Dorothy Perkins, usually fairly tame and inoffensive when it comes to frocks, has some weird choices in at the moment.

Snot green neoprene? Really??

What's this all about please?  A minging zip AND drawstrings AND a deeply odd skirt. I am baffled.

Unsurprisingly, Topshop wasn't short of options either:

Take one tablecloth, form it into a shapeless sack, et voila!

I'm all for a bit of #wardrobezoo action but I can honestly say that I've never thought "You know what my wardrobe is lacking? A dress with a shark eating my tit."

Erm, shameful confession. I was in full mock mode for this one, just because it is so in-your-face and stripy and PINK (I loathe pink), but I would totally wear it. I can't help myself.

I would also buy this from Glamorous in a heartbeat if it weren't for one thing.

WHERE DO YOUR BOOBS GO??? The bodice is practically a set of braces.

Answers on a postcard please.