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Hideous Frocks

Monday, 18 March 2013

Lots of shops sell frocks. Lots of shops sell really nice frocks.  But almost all of them will have one or two absolute horrors lurking around as well and it's time we all pointed and laughed at them.  I did this with ugly shoes back in the day and it seems time to reprise the feature for another wardrobe item. Why should shoes have all the fun?

Now I'm not slagging off the shops or anything.  On my infrequent recent shopping trips I've seen an awful lot of nice dresses around. It's just too cold to start buying spring/summer stuff at the mo but when it warms up you can be sure I'll purchase a frock or three.  H&M have got one or two beauties, once all the stuff made from nasty fabric has been ruled out. You can almost guarantee I'll always find something I like in the Closet and Billie & Blossom ranges at Dorothy Perkins. I like the simplicity of Vero Moda. I'm even finding myself lusting after a lot of the Primark spring range.

It would be easy to do a wishlist full of pretty things, wouldn't it? I'm gonna make you look at hideous things instead.  Muahahahahaha. It's much more fun to mock them than it is to coo over nice stuff.

It all started when I was browsing the Boohoo website (I bought an awesome jumper which I will feature soon) and came across this:

 I christen it the Slutty Flintstone

And this is kinda normal I suppose but a) PEPLUM and b) BEIGE PEPLUM. Madly unflattering, even on a teeny tiny model, plus ewwww peplum.

Missguided are very fond of a cutout, aren't they?

As if this wasn't nasty enough, it's also got a socking great exposed zip down the back.

More sensible to just go out in your bra, surely? You can't possibly call that a bodice.

ASOS sells so many things that you're never too far away from something great, or something utterly vile:

For just £338 pounds you too could dazzle in a fricking AWFUL drop waist swanhead lady dress.

This reminds me strongly of that dress Julia Roberts wore in Pretty Woman. No, not the posh polka dot one. The hooker one.

I want to like this frock, at least from afar. But when you get closer it is essentially an apron and a collar attached to some see through mesh and frankly I'm not that fashion forward.

Even Dorothy Perkins, usually fairly tame and inoffensive when it comes to frocks, has some weird choices in at the moment.

Snot green neoprene? Really??

What's this all about please?  A minging zip AND drawstrings AND a deeply odd skirt. I am baffled.

Unsurprisingly, Topshop wasn't short of options either:

Take one tablecloth, form it into a shapeless sack, et voila!

I'm all for a bit of #wardrobezoo action but I can honestly say that I've never thought "You know what my wardrobe is lacking? A dress with a shark eating my tit."

Erm, shameful confession. I was in full mock mode for this one, just because it is so in-your-face and stripy and PINK (I loathe pink), but I would totally wear it. I can't help myself.

I would also buy this from Glamorous in a heartbeat if it weren't for one thing.

WHERE DO YOUR BOOBS GO??? The bodice is practically a set of braces.

Answers on a postcard please.


  1. Loved this post! I think the swan one would actually look good on the right person with the right styling, though without the ruffkles it'd be better. And the pink one I actually like. I'm not a fan of pink, but I can see this looking great on a lot of people,

  2. Oh my.....the tablecloth dress has got to be a joke because its soooooo bad!!!! I mean even a sack would look better than that.

    I do love the last dress but not sure I have enough tit tape to keep those braces in place.

  3. hahahah i hate all of these! I like the shark picture but not on a dress - swimsuit maybe.

  4. Haha this is a great post!
    I really wish decent dresses were made for people over 4'9 too.

  5. Ha LOVED this! The laugh I usually reserve for Lakota's ebay posts made its way out for this!!!! URGH, am with you on ALL of this- especaily the swan dress- WHAT on earth???? I have to say, I could quite easily do a post of items I deem minging from ASOS alone (and yes, the fabrics thing!!!)x

  6. I don't know which one is the worst... Oh lord! Xo

  7. The swan lady looks like she has been in some kind of horrendous swan-eating accident or something. These are all terrible. The shark one had me spit my coffee out all over my desk, so thanks for that ;)

  8. There are some truly awful dresses out there! I do love the pink one though...

    Maria xxx

  9. OH dear jeebus. The shark one!!

  10. I quite like swan and shark. Also the peplum one would be a good work dress... IF THE PEPLUM WASN'T WEE COLOUR. Sheesh.

  11. O.M.G. I need to keep scrolling back up, so I can comment on each dress as I did when I was scrolling down the post as it was so funny! Leopard print one, her boob is gonna fall out any second, there's nowt keeping it in! Beige peplum, bleurgh, threw up in my mouth a little. Cut-out, meh, hate exposed zips but it's hard to find a dress without one these days. Are the black strapping bits on that 'bodice' fixed or if you don't tie it tight enough, will both boobies possibly be exposed? I'm imagining some idiot pulling the tie at the back of your neck on some night-out and exposing EVERYTHING in one quick swoop.

    Holy Mary Mother of God, what is that swan woman dress? Why? Hooker Pretty Woman dress-spot on. Mesh thing, if I can see her bra, then that's going to pose problems for what to wear underneath and does that mean you can see your pants too? Snot dress is minging, zip/drawstring weird, tablecloth disgusting, shark eating tit made me lol.

    Yeah there's something about that stripey one I like. It reminds me of rock and candyfloss and holidays. The last one, I honestly thought that was the back and that it was pretty. It's not so pretty when you realise it's the front. I'm certain I'd be arrested if I ever wore it and quite rightly so.

  12. Paaaaahahaha Alex this post made me snort into my soup! hahahahaha!

    Thank god someone has finally said what we are all thinking - CUT OUTS. WHY. I think the swan head is the fave. Or the fish breast dress, that's a winner. xxx

  13. I think the last one is exclusively for people who don't have any boobs. And as for the pink and white stripey one... Shouldn't but would! xx

  14. Beautiful colorful dresses, I love colors and shrank dress is a winner for me :)

  15. I hate cut outs on clothes SO MUCH! Even the cut outs with mesh behind them. Perhaps I'm just jealous because if I wore them I would look like I was being pushed through a sieve, but I'm pretty sure they just don't look very nice. Just wear whole clothes, it is not hard.

    I must admit that the swan headed lady might be quite cool on a less disgustingly shaped dress. I think I like her.

  16. It is wrong but I do like the Topshop table cloth one!! xx

  17. This made me chuckle. The black bodice dress is ridic!

    I must admit to wanting the pink stripy one though. Who doesn't want to look like a stick of rock?! :)


  18. HAHAHA!!!! 'The Slutty Flintsone' Oh Alex, I needed some cheering up and I'm so glad I spotted this post - I feel much more normal after a good belly laugh. Thanks!

    Jem xXx

  19. There are so horrible dresses out there at the minute. Some of the dresses surely don't have enough material to be called a dress? I quite like the pattern of the tablecloth dress, but the style of it and length of it makes it worse that it needs to be. The pattern on the bottom one is lovely but I agree, where are your boobs meant to go?
    Lianne x

  20. Love your honesty! We're not a fan of peplums either

  21. The pink stripy one is so Milly-Molly-Mandy


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